the day i was dropping f-bombs while cleaning their room

Let’s me start off by saying, I love my children. I really do. And I know I’m not the first stay-home-mom of four in the whole entire world, but sometimes, this job is hard and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m pretty sure that’s what most people feel about their job at times, even jobs they love! I know Ben loves his job, but he has some complaints from time to time, so I’m guessing it’s normal. But when you feel that way about your kids, it just feels extra wrong. Doesn’t it?

There was one day last week, it was a couple days before Aunt Flo (my period) was arriving and I was just itching because everything was a mess, especially their room. I left Ben and the girls downstairs to go upstairs and clean it, for the millionth time that week, and I was no joke dropping f-bombs as I was doing so. Oh the rage I was feeling in my sinful heart! I totally could feel me fighting it internally, but the anger was winning. I let it because it felt good. At the same time, I hated it. I knew something was seriously wrong with my heart.

This is a job I have chosen. Wanted to do for, like, ever, and here I was complaining about it, and throwing things about the room and swearing like crazy. If you had seen me, you would have run away as fast as you could. I was plain crazy.

I’m no perfect mama. On the contrary, I’m one terrible sinner saved by God’s grace and I so don’t deserve it. That moment clearly reminded me how much I couldn’t do things on my own. Since I couldn’t, there’s only one place I knew I was going to get the guidance I needed, so I turned to reminding myself truths from God’s word. Now, that didn’t mean I am now by some magical power a perfect mama and have this job down pat, but it’s important to equip myself to battle the crazy feelings when they come up. Also, it involves sharing my struggles with another sister from our church family and asking her to pray for me. I’m honestly embarrassed to admit my behavior, but I’m the weird person who likes to talk about the not so pretty things of life too. Blogs are deceptive and can make people feel inadequate based on all the pretty pictures being shared (I feel this way reading some blogs sometimes), but really, they might be dropping f-bombs while cleaning their kids rooms too.

I’m sure my feelings are understandable, but not excusable. I try reminding myself of the sermon we heard last Sunday… that God has given everything I need to fight this frustration and find joy in Him. Sometimes, I am just too lazy to do so. I don’t want to be a f-bomb dropping mama. I want to serve my children with gladness and clean their room with love. I get these great moments of “I love my job! I love this moment!” and sometimes, “Ugh. I wanna go back to teaching someone else’s kids.” I really need to spend more time praying, reading God’s word, and filling my heart with things to help me win when these battles come up. My pastor sent us this article to read, Joanna shared this one on facebook, and I listened to this sermon this week to really help rebuke my heart.

I needed the reminder that I’m here to serve my children for God. I think I’ve forgotten that and have just been really selfish about it. Being self-centered is not going to rear my children to how I want them to grow and it will just make me more frustrated. Actually, if I’m being selfish, I will raise more selfish adults and well, that just wouldn’t be good for anyone. I want to love my children and serve them well unto the Lord and that means fighting through my selfishness to be selfless. Selflessness and being a happy hearted servant are definitely things I need to work on. God has entrusted these kids to me and I need to take care of them, their messes, and especially their hearts. Oh and I need a chill pill. A few actually. I must have ran out of my supply. Anyone know where I can get a refill?

p.s. these pictures were not taken on f-bomb dropping day, but probably a day or so later, after they had made another mess after i cleaned it. oh and they taped little mermaid coloring pages all over their room because they said they wanted a little mermaid room. oye!

resurrection day feasting

Resurrection Sunday was full of family and friends and lots of feasting. After church, we went over to Ben’s cousin’s house and we ate. Then, we went to my mom’s house and ate some more. Don’t forget to throw in all the sweet stuff and candy filled eggs, I think we were definitely eating more than we were supposed to.

My mom doesn’t know the meaning of the word simple and when she plans for a meal, she goes all out. Always. In fact, my parents went to the port at 2am to get all the seafood as fresh as possible. 2AM!!! My parents are crazy! Somehow my mom has the talent to cook for 50 people all the time, when in fact there usually is only about 20 people coming, and all she makes is delicious. No joke. Neither my siblings or I got that talent of hers. She definitely has the gift of hospitality. Sadly, it didn’t rub off on me too much. I’m horrible at hospitality!

The girls got to do another egg hunt, we all had lots of fun feasting, and I had a blast eating crab. It’s one of my favorite things to eat. My hands get all stinky, I break shell with my teeth, and the juice splatters everywhere, but to me, it tastes so yummy. It was my request for the Easter meal. There was fried calamari, salmon, yellow tail, shrimp, mussels, and lots of fruit and desserts galore. We left with our tummies full, hearts happy, and very tired little girls. It was a wonderful day full of joy to celebrate the day our Lord has risen. We most definitely had a glorious Easter!

young love

So I was cleaning this (crazy) room today and was coming across all sorts of memories. There were notes from when we were dating, cards from when we just got married, and letters and handmade things from when we just had two little babies (True and Brave), and there were lots of and lots of old pictures. These two particular snapshots feel like ages ago.

The above photo is from when we barely started dating. It was June and we had only been “officially” dating for a month when he took me home to spend time with his family in San Antonio. I was barely 20 and he was was 27, there were so many butterflies and a lot of flirting. Lots. It was on that trip to visit his family that I knew I loved him. Just watching him interact with his parents and his sister made me fall for this guy even more. I remember one night when he tucked me in bed before he went to his own room, I told him, “I’m enamored with you.” He tells me later that when he got to his room, he looked that word up in the dictionary, and then couldn’t sleep. I was seriously enamored. Still am.

The next picture was a year later when he went on a weekend trip to Palm Springs with my family. I don’t remember much from the trip except that when we out during the day, he’d stay in the hotel to study. He was in grad school the whole time we were dating, so our 3 years of dating (and first year of marriage) involved a lot of study dates.

We definitely have the look of young love in those pictures. Now, it’s about 10 years later and I’m hoping we still have the look of love, but it’s obviously a bit more mature and with 4 kids thrown in the mix, we probably look more like crazy love. Yup. Crazy love is probably more like it. Anyways, I loved how my cleaning took me down a trip through memory lane. I always love remembering the beginning stories of Ben and me.

If you ever heard me tell it in person, you’d think I was crazy for how head over heels I was from the moment I met him. I know we started writing our “little love story” a few years ago and never finished. We should really get on that for recording memory’s sake, but when we keep adding to our brood, it gets harder to keep up with certain things. If you want to read what we have up so far, you can check this post out (and there are links to other parts on the bottom). Maybe we can eventually get back to finishing that someday.

Since we’re on the topic of love, a reader, Eunie, emailed me sharing her story and it was so sweet. I watched the video of her engagement and got all teary. Ben had a really good and surprising proposal, so I love when a guy dips into his creativity to bust out something wonderful for the woman he loves. Eunie and her fiance, Eddie, are entered in a contest to win a couture wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, groomsmen tuxedos, shoes, as well as a professional videographer! We all know that weddings can be pretty costly these days and these two seem so sweet that I wanted to share it with all of you. Seriously, watching the proposal video will make you smile and if you feel so inclined, I’m sure they would appreciate your votes over here! You can also check out their engagement sweet and simple engagement photos here (and her booties are fabulous!). I’ve always been thankful for when you all have cast your vote in for me for some sort of contest and I would love it if we could help out this sweet couple. Check out their story and cast your votes here! They’re in 4th place, but let’s get them to the top (it ends on friday)! Thanks friends!

getting out

We were out and about as a family this past weekend, which is something we haven’t been able to do for a long time, so it was time we were cherishing together. We were at this local, little, outdoor play area and it was pretty cool. We loved the seesaw and this little spinning thing (see . The girls had a blast playing in that little area and then we took a little walk near the little manmade lake of sorts. I say “of sorts” because it’s really too shallow to be a lake, but pretty big to just be a pond.

Glow really wasn’t into playing much (she just wanted to be held or sit next to us), which is just as well, because I tend to be a little nervous lately after her fall. If you don’t follow on instagram, we went to see her doctor to monitor the progress of how her tongue is healing and it isn’t healing like it ought to. We see the ENT specialist tomorrow to determine what can be done about it. I’m so nervous about it and I really have to keep my heart in check in trusting God and not getting too panicky. I’m more prone to the panicky, but I’m working on it. Glow’s still pretty happy and not fussy, so I don’t think it’s causing her anymore pain, which we’re very thankful for.

I’m excited about this weekend. Ben has some little surprised planned and we have gardening and the yard to catch up on (oh how the weeds are taking over!). My garden, the floral part, has been a jungle for months now and it’s time to tackle it. I want to get some Camellias in and Ben still has a few of his trees to plant too. With the warmer weather creeping in, the girls have been spending more time outside, so we want to get it tidied it up for them.

P.S. My bag is from Tukula and it’s this one. I love the gorgeous print!

life

Life has been so insanely busy for us lately. Life’s always like that though, isn’t it? If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I remember times when I’ve thought, “Once I get through this, things will be much more relaxed,” and then something else happens or I sign myself up for something (sometimes accidentally) and then life’s going full speed ahead again. Today though, particularly right around 5 o’clock, life felt like it slowed down. It was nice. We went outside and strolled around the cul-de-sac while we waited for Ben to get home. It was just my girls and me. Carefree. Simple. Together.

With spring right around the corner, we’re ready for this new season. We’re ready for more together time, going outside, and as True requested… more projects. That girl loves to make things all the time.

March 1st is coming. We’ll probably throw a party when it gets here. For real. The girls are so excited about that day. Oh and we’ll go to the farmer’s market because that’s our Friday thing, though we haven’t been able to go in awhile. Basically, we’re all ready for spring. It’s March 20th this year, but we’re changing it to March 1st. What do you say? Who’s excited about spring too?