Last Monday was a tough day and I just about had it with all things mothering, so I said, “I quit.” I wasn’t joking. I walked off the job. I went on strike. I declared that if they weren’t going to listen, then I was done, so I was done.
They would call, “Mommy! Mommy!”
“Um, don’t call me mommy. You can call me Ruby.”
That was my response. For real.
When Ben came home, and in exhaustion said, “I’m done.” I told him I’m going to work or he needs to stay home. I’m not opposed to flip flopping the current situation. The next day, my strike continued. I didn’t make breakfast, didn’t make lunch (thankfully the older girls do that already), we didn’t do school (I saw True trying to teach her sisters), and didn’t clean up one bit (oh you see a bit of the chaos above, and yes, I took pictures of the mess). I did get caught up on email though, so that’s one plus. HA! Ben came home and the house was upside down. I helped the girls with one thing, but that’s only because they started crying. *raising my hand* Totally failure of a mom right here.
Yep, my heart was so hard. My mom called and I told her how I quit, and she said, “Okay, come home now.” I talked to my MIL and I told her the situation, and I could hear her during Spanish lessons telling the girls they need to do a better job of listening to me. When Ben came home, he said, “So what do you want to do for real?”
Through the course of the day, I remember thinking that my heart isn’t being quick to repent and this is so scary. My sin had such a strong grip on me and it didn’t want to let go. In fact, it felt like my heart was holding on to this frustration, selfishness, pride, and rebellion a lot tighter and tighter as the day wore on.
I could tell Ben wanted to get mad at me and tell me to snap out of it, but he didn’t know how to. He wanted to be sensitive to my feelings, but also knew that I was being ridiculously selfish. I left Ben and the girls alone to eat dinner and I was chilling by myself. I knew that my heart couldn’t continue this way, nor do I really want it to. Sure, it felt good for a little while, but in the end, it will lead to destruction. I didn’t want to follow Anakin Skywalker’s path.
Eventually (and pretty much right before bed), I opened my Bible to read a little bit (with much hesitation, but I knew it was necessary). Then, I read this article, “When Your Life Feels Like a Waiting Room,” and boy did I need to read that. Throughout the day I could see my selfishness in wanting my way, pride in thinking I was deserving of things going my way, and rebellion in not wanting to do the job I have. After I sobered up, and was rebuked with God’s word, I was ready to repent. First to God, then Ben, and then the girls. I told them all about how I failed and asked them to forgive me. Of course, I got to use it as a teaching moment to remind them that we all fail, and that’s precisely why we need Jesus, me especially. I’m broken and only He can do the fixing. Not even Olivia Pope is good enough to fix me. Only Jesus. I lead the charge when it comes falling short as a mother. I admit, while I do adore my children, I have plenty bad and hard days. And while it does take me awhile to repent, I’m thankful that God’s word transforms my selfish heart and gives me a new one. #ineedgrace #andtheyneedgracetoo