beware: a text heavy post below.
So, our plans of finally going on Ben’s birthday adventure this weekend got thwarted. The reason? A fight with Ben and a mommy meltdown.
First, the fight. Ben and I really don’t fight much, our whole 3 years of dating we only had one fight. You see, Ben would get sick often (he got shingles in his mid-twenties and his immune system has been weaker since then) and I couldn’t understand, so I’d immediately get frustrated and moody. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just “suck it up”! Obviously, we worked it out and I decided that I would learn to be more loving when he is sick.
Now, that we are married there are just a few things that cause a fight and one is still the sick thing. (Side note: I don’t want you to think he gets sick often, cause praise God his immune system has been so much stronger these past few years, but sometimes when he does, I am not the most loving.) Though he says I have been getting better the past few years, but my moodiness last week just through him for a loop. Me too!
New Year’s eve he started feeling sick and well, we didn’t have our annual dance party because of it and well, that didn’t put me in the best of moods, so I went to bed at 8:30pm. No joke! On New Year’s Eve! Lame, I know. Fast forward to this past Friday and he’s still sick and I was just frustrated and cranky. I think coupled with being so stressed ’cause True and Brave were driving me a bit nuts and I hadn’t had any alone time, it was just all building up inside.
So, when Ben comes home from work on Friday night, certain things started and we just ended up fighting. He had expectations, I had expectations, and we just weren’t on the same page. We are normal, it happens! Then, I am mad and just start crying (maybe yelling too) and blubbering about how tired and frustrated I am, yada yada…
Saturday morning comes, he is in no mood to go on a birthday adventure, we have a “heart to heart”. He prays, we talk, and after a long while, finally the hard hearts start to go down. But trust me, after a very long while. We both ask for forgiveness, totally not an easy thing to do (and still takes awhile for my heart to be into it), but it does happen eventually. Then, I make him “chase” me, which is code for wanting him to hug me for a really long time.
Basically, I know I was wrong for not being loving when he is sick. It is something I know I struggle with, but I think as a woman, when we don’t feel well, we don’t say anything and press on because things have to get done and we just shake whatever we have off. I just have to understand that Ben’s different.
Also, we both now know that I need a bit more alone time. I honestly felt so exhausted being a mom and wife, not that I don’t love my roles, but it really is so hard! It is not an easy job!!! I really felt like escaping to get a hotel in Palm Springs by myself or even going back to work! Ha! I just needed to be by myself! I just was so mentally, physically, emotionally done!!!
Thus, after our talk on Saturday morning, he said for me to go out and do whatever I wanted. So I mapped out some thrift stores I wanted to visit and went out for an afternoon of alone time. It was so nice. Really nice! I was still tired, but it gave me time to think and just relax a bit.
Last on my outing list was making a stop at my parents’ house. I walked in the door, from upstairs my mom said, “Ruby, what’s wrong? Why you here?” Kinda like she knew, I think moms have that power. I went straight upstairs to where my mom was and just threw myself on her bed and started crying and crying and crying. My mommy just kept rubbing my head and back and it felt so nice! As I was crying, I was just saying “This is hard and I am tired.” I think I cried for like 30 minutes, but it was what I needed. She gave me some encouraging words and lots of hugs. Then, I went downstairs with her to find chocolate and my dad said, “What’s wrong?” and I started crying some more and I got more hugs. After which, I indulged in some snacks and red velvet cake and chocolate!
After my cry-fest at my mom’s, I felt so much better! I remember being out thrifting that afternoon and just wanting my mom (and dad) to hug me! Then, I went home and was ready to be mommy and wife again! Something my mom said to me that stood out was, “Have you been spending time with God?” And I said, “Not really.” She said, “Well, there’s the problem. You are trying to do it all by yourself and not relying on God.” True that, mom. True that!
Some good reminders (not in order of importance): 1. Being loving towards Ben always, for better or worse, right? 2. I need to be alone from time to time. 3. Plan time reading God’s word and praying daily. 4. Getting a hug from your parents is sometimes necessary. 5. And if plans don’t happen like you wanted, don’t stress out over it!
Whew! Sorry if I overloaded you. You come here and see lots of happy things, but that isn’t me (or us) all the time. Hopefully, you can find encouragement in the pretty parts of our life and in the not so pretty parts too!
Hope your weekend was filled with a little less crying than mine!
p.s. i did find some good things thrifting.
i'm glad to know we all have those moments!
I whole-heartedly love you raw honesty. Thank you. Truly encouraging.
oh you are a blessing!!
i love that not only can i come hear for FUN but for Truth too!
God is really using your sweet space on the internet!
~Michele
http://www.etsy.com/shop/chelebert12
love your honesty! i agree, its very encouraging.
Big hugs to you Ruby. Motherhood is the most challenging job in the world, and we all need time to ourselves to recharge.
love love love this post. so real. i'm glad your heart got the love and attention it deserves. glad to follow your blog. 🙂
Did you not get the memo that Mommies and Wifeys can't get sick? 😉 I got that memo when I was sick a few weeks ago, and that was a really bad time to get that news. I'm sorry, but I hope you two made it through.
praise the Lord for some reality! thanks for writing this.
thanks for being so transparent! this was a huge encouragement. thank you.
Ha, I'm in the midst of manny marriage issues myself. When I come to your blog you guys always seem so perfect and happy. So ditto, thanks for this “real” moment of being a mommy and wife. It IS hard.
– Carly
http://www.lifewiththelittlebird.blogspot.com
o man. tear jerker. i appreciate those moments with my parents too. especially as an adult. i love sitting on my mom's lap and just letting her hold me after a hard day. intimate moments with mom and dad really do cure the soul.
My husband getts sick all the time too, and I get frustrated! I totally understand you and feel for you! I will pray that God gives you patience and love.
my husband has Crohn's disease and it started in our first year of marriage. That was SUCH a rough time for us. I felt the same way you do. “Get up and deal with it! I do!” it wasn't until he was so thin that he looked like a holocaust victim that I felt bad for him. Seriously, how messed up is that?! But it's the truth. Now that he has been living with it for 10 years I am back to getting frustrated when he gets sick. The latest time that I got upset was when he was supposed to have a daddy-daughter date with our middle child and he had to cancel at the last minute. I was mad and that sucks. It's hard when you know that you're exposing your kids to your own issues with bitterness.
Anyway, I have also had to work very hard on being more loving when he is sick. Most of the time I do well, but when there is an event that I have an expectation or fantasy in my head of what is going to happen, what it is going to be like (you know what I mean, I'm sure), and it doesn't go as I had hoped because of his Crohn's… I get upset. It's not fair, but it's human, right?
Okay, now that that novel is finished, let me conclude by saying that I appreciate your candor with these things and I also appreciate that Ben is okay with you sharing it, as well. Sometimes the men in our lives don't want us to share the bad parts of our lives but I think it is so important to let others know that they are not alone in our troubles 🙂
much love
Thank you for sharing this! I love the honest things you blog about. 🙂 God bless!
-Ceci.
awww thank you for being soo honest and real with us! we def are all human and get in fights with our hubbies for a number of reasons from time to time~!! you're not the only one!!
Ruby, thank you for your honesty, so refreshing!! we totally all have those moments 🙂
I love what your mum said:
“You are trying to do it all by yourself and not relying on God.” So true and relevant for all of us particuarly me at this time: I really need to cast my cares and worries and burdens and troubles upon him. Mum and I used to have a visual of a delivery truck backing up and us offloading all of our troubles, then driving away with a lighter load and heart!
Lovely post: thanks for sharing your story. xo
My boyfrend has fibromyalgia which causes chronic pain/fatigue) so we are forever cancelling plans because he is ill. Of course I love him to bits and I want to look after him, but I do find it frustrating as well, and sometimes feel like he needs a lot of attention. But you are doing all that with three very young children as well! You are a superhero! It's important to remember to look after yourself as well though, and I'm glad your mum is so close by. Just think, in years to come, when your little girls are all grown up, they'll be coming to you to escape from their husbands/kids/lives for a minute, because sometimes, nothing but a hug from mum will do 🙂
Wow, ruby! Thanks so much for this!! I've been through situations similar to yours. I'm not exactly a mom, but I'm a wife and a teacher (pseudo-mom I guess to all my students) and life gets so overwhelming when I haven't spent time with God. When I finally do spend time with Him, the change in my heart and attitude is so different. I immediately feel this joy and peace over me that nothing else in this world can offer me. Your mom is a wise woman and its great that you can run to her and your dad at moments like this. Thanks again for sharing this aspect of your life with us 🙂
Random common fact: I got shingles while I was in college, and now that I'm a elementary school teacher, I've noticed just how weak my immune system is. :/
Thank you so much for sharing this Ruby. It's encouraging to hear that you learned from this experience. I appreciate your honesty with us readers and it's a joy to read your blog. Hope you start to feel better.
So glad to have read this! It seems you & I both suffer from the same attitude towards sick husbands =) I always tell myself that my own grandpa (who raised me) ruined me for my husband because to this day he will go thru each day with a smile on his face no matter how he feels. Even if he were bleeding to death he'd likely get up & go to work & not complain! I work constantly on being kinder & gentler to my husband when he's sick.
It was kind of weird reading your post because it's a lot of what's going on in my house right now. Whenever I'm not my best self, which is more often than not, I tell my husband I just need to go. He'll come home from work & as much as I want time with everyone, I know time alone is more important. So I'll run off to Barnes & Noble & drown myself in books or roam the aisles of my favorite shop. It's really the best medicine!
I could go on and on about how similar my life seems right now but just want to say thanks for sharing =) It takes a lot to let people into your real life, the pretty & not so pretty. When things get less than perfect I just remind myself it's all about learning & becoming a better person & showing our daughters a relationship & family where things can be discussed & communicated & everyone can be imperfect & still be loved. Happy Monday =)
Oh I feel for you! Thank you for sharing. I have been there and didn't want to write it down, thinking nobody would want to read about my meltdown. Low and behold, I enjoyed reading yours, because it is life, it is REAL!
Finding time for myself and spending time in meditation (with God as you say) has been two of the most important lessons for me to learn.
Again thank you for sharing!
thank you so much for sharing… we all struggle at times and it's awesome that you chose to be real with your internet audience. you're great!!!
I love your beautiful, honest post. I think many of us readers all can relate to your words. Your mama clearly had the perfect words to share. They not only helped you…now they will help me to remember I'm not in control 🙂
Thanks for sharing this story! It's nice to know that it happens to everyone, and I loved your list of reminders. Making time for God every day definitely keeps me steady (and I can totally tell when I haven't been doing it!!!). I'm glad things are looking up for you 🙂
your mom is wise (:
i'm so glad you and Ben worked everything out, and that both of you are understanding toward each other. That is a very precious thing to have.
May the blessings rain ,
-Angel
I really related to this post. Thank you for sharing it. I get very moody sometimes. Especially when I don't have time for myself to be creative and do the things that I love. What your mom said to you about God, made me realize that God is missing from my life and need to include Him more.
Ruby, your mom is so right,without God,you'd be nowhere…if you can't ask God for help,who can really know when you need help?You have 3 little kids,you are not super woman & nobody I'm sure expects you to be.As for the sickness issue…it's very frustrating b/c when I get sick,I have to suck it up,get up and clean house,etc but when my husband is sick he stays in bed like he's dying,asking for this and that when he never does those things for me when I'm sick.Does Ben help you out when you're sick…if you both take care of each other when you're sick,then it shouldn't be an issue,but when one is expected to do everything when they're sick but the other gets to stay in bed,then that's not fair & that person can't be expected to be treated like a king (or queen).Hopefully you know what I'm saying here.
Maybe when you are feeling stressed & know you are gonna blow,ask Ben to take the kids in another room & maybe call your sisters or mom so you can chill out & get your head clear so then you can leave the room in a good mood.You have a great husband who I know many women would die to have so don't let the little things get to you or you'll make yourself crazy!Not only that,you don't want those sweet babies to see mommy & daddy mad at each other over little things b/c you are setting an example for them.
I'm sure the birthday adventures will resume soon & you'll be sharing all the kissy pictures with us all and forgetting about the fights. 🙂
Have a great day Ruby!
http://2011letters.blogspot.com
Oh, Ruby, thank you for being so open and honest on your blog. We all have these moments, but to share it on your blog is so brave. I appreciate your vulnerability so much. And, I can SO relate! I have four little ones six and under and I've had major meltdowns when my husband gets home from work from exhaustion, stress, and being so tired. Instead of getting to a point where I feel in crisis and I cry and yell, “I NEED alone time!” I've been taking every Sunday afternoon to go to a coffee shop. We've already gone to church, the little ones are napping, and I can read my Bible, think, plan for school (I homeschool my oldest), and just relax. I highly recommend taking care of yourself before you break down, I'm slowly learning how to do this.
Ruby, I love your blog! I love what your mom said–such good advice. My husband and I decided to really start reading the Bible together every single night a few months ago. Now, we have a ritual of putting the kids to bed, making tea, maybe having a grapefruit or guac and chips together, and reading. It always takes forever since we keep stopping and talking as we remember things from that day. Doing that together is a great jumping-off point to talk about spiritual things or matters of the heart, dreams, goals, etc. It really unites us, I think, and gives us a chance to talk it out at the end of the day. Maybe you could try something similar.
It's nice to know that other Mom's feel this way sometimes too!
It's kinda nice to know I'm not the only one that struggles with these things. Reading this was like looking into a mirror on so many times my husband and I have had. My hubby has bad allergies, and so many of his days off are him being laid up in bed all day. My first thought is “Ugh!!!”. God's been working on me though and convicting me to be more understanding. Praise God for his grace and working in us to make us more like himself! 🙂 Thanks for sharing!
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. sometimes it is SOOOOOO nice to hear that other mommies feel this way too. it was completely refreshing and therapeutic to me to read this – so thanks, so much.
Hola! Side note… I took jp flying on his 30th!!! So i thought you were gonna take Ben flying…
Anyway!!! I hope everything is ok now :). I'm starting to understand the whole alone time thing!!! I think I need to schedule my alone time already too because I totally know how you feel!!! Ugh!!! If you like, you can bring your kiddies here and they can play with Haydn :). I'll talk to you soon!
o- you crazy! ben is deathly afraid of heights! would never take him flying unless i was ready to send him to an early grave and i don't want to do that! ha!
everyone- i smile just reading your comments because so many reiterate my thinkings exactly. life is such a learning process isn't it?!
Love you Rubes thank you for letting your guard down it was encouraging and such a testimony of life and of the struggles we all face. Miss you!
Heather
heather- i miss you too! we must figure out when we can come for a visit (And you must take me antiquing)!!!
It seems I so often get overwhelmed when I try to do it all on my own instead of immersing myself in Him and His beautiful grace. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest. 🙂
~Elizabeth
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
~Isaiah 41:10
p.s. your shop is adorable!
awe you are so blessed (as am i) to have such loving, encouraging parents just a drive away. sometimes we just need to have a good cry and be hugged lotttts. glad you were able to get some alone time to regroup! i can only imagine being a mommy is incredibly exhausting!
Ruby, I don't think I've ever commented here before, but I adore your blog, and seeing pictures of your adorable girls (I love their new haircuts!)
I just wanted to let you know how much this post touched my heart! Every marriage has it's difficult moments and it's people like you and Ben who are excellent examples of how to overcome those harder times! Thank you for sharing this with us and reminding us that happiness takes hard work!
I don't think I'll say anything that hasn't been said, but having been there, and lived through it, it's okay to take some time out and regroup! I'm the last one to leave my kids but Craig used to make me go out just for a couple hours in the evening so that I could think about something else when I felt overwhelmed (plus I had no family in the area!). It's hard sometimes for introverts like me because being a mom can feel so extraverted and we need alone time to gain energy. AND as an artist, I love spontaneity which is pretty much out of the window right now… though when the girls are school-aged, there will be plenty of moments to steal for yourself! Ben is such a good husband because I think he really understands you and it can take a lot longer with some guys (trust me!). And yes, men are wimps in comparison to women with sickness… that's a proven fact and we just have to deal with it!
(((((big hugs)))) to you.
I feel you. being a mom and wife is hard, I think the only thing harder is to not have a family!!!!
i struggle with my husband when he is sick too. i think i get better with every cold, but it's more of an outward show and not a heart change.
my dad is a 6th degree black belt in kung fu and also a personal trainer with his own gym. i don't think i ever heard him complain one single time growing up! my husband, on the other hand, is a hyocondriac… no joke. his parents warned me when we were dating but i thought, “we're so in love, i could never be mad at him when he's sick!”… 7 years later and i see that has changed.
thank you for sharing, you're not alone. just as you said for better or for worse i have felt God reminding me of my vow in sickness and in health and i want to honor that vow, my husband, but mostly the Lord.
tara
You know… It is nice to read this, not that I am glad for you to go through hard times, but because it reminds me that I am not crazy and that being a wife (I'm not yet a mom) is sometimes hard work.
I also need alone time and I think I sacrifice it a lot and my relationships suffer from it. I feel like he doesn't understand this need and takes it personally at times, so it is nice to know I am not the only one.
I am not a religious person but the honesty and faith in your relationship is good to read about.
So thank you for letting it out. It is a much needed reminder that we all have these moments as humans, women, mothers and wives.
– Rox
Thank you so much for being so open and honest. You are only human – as we all are and you do what you can.
It sounds like you and Ben have a wonderful, open, honest, god loving marriage – and that's important.
“…lots of happy things…” isn't any of us ALL the time.
So glad you made it through with flying colors! Here's one more hug for you…:-)
this made me cry! I wish I was there too when you came. I love you! and see you tomorrow Godwilling
I'm de-lurking to say THANK YOU! Boy, what timing. I was having a crazy emotional/feeling miserable as a mommy day today. And of course it was the start of a week of my husband working late! It's so refreshing to have such a transparent blogger (and her hubby) who are willing to share so that the rest of us can be encouraged! I needed the same message your Mom gave, my God time has been lacking too. I could also use some girl time with my sister, maybe a cross-state visit is in order?
Thanks again for sharing!
Amen Sister! Thank you for being honest and sharing your heart. I love coming back from work trips to read your blog and this particular one delights my heart and reminds me how much we must rely on Him. I also starting tearing up when reading about visiting your parents and your mom's righteous words. I am preggos and know that when baby arrives there will be times I just want a hug from my mom or dad. Thank you for letting that be okay to return to them. Amen also to hard times, impatience, and giving grace to our husbands. May God grant us grace and love towards our husbands. My husband and I also have a code phrase that helps break the ice after an argument. As plans continue to change and need to be altered, may you rely on Him for clarity and calling on Him for His great timing.
Honesty is great. I'm glad you posted this. And I'm glad your post pointed to how important keeping God a daily part of our lives is.
oh man! I think there's a reason I didn't find this until today!
I had a cryfest last night. My eyes hurt today. Family drama! All will be fine, but it's good to know I'm not the only woman who goes through this. Thank you for sharing! 😉
Thanks chick. I know how you feel! I've been feeling the same way as of late – I just had my second baby (like 4 days ago) and it's been really hard adjusting. I've been mad at my husband for not reading my mind and helping me in the ways I think he needs to help. But mostly, I think it's just me not relying on God to help us all adjust to our new family! Thanks for sharing with us – you are always an encouragement to me!
Okay, I am getting a little teary eyed reading this. It is so hard sometimes! I wrote a bratty email to my hubby at work today complaining about everything. Everyone here is crying and resisting naps and waking in the middle of the night etc. etc. etc. we have no one to babysit ever (no family) and if we ever do get to be alone (which is basically never) we don't even know what to do or say!
Press on, sister. Marriage is so important. Thanks for keeping it real.
hey thanks for sharing! you are so brave to share that with all of us. i totally do the same thing when my husband is sick. you articulated it so well. i thought i was the only one who did that!
what a blessing to have your mom and dad around…
i think one of satan's biggest tactics is to isolate us and make us feel alone in what we are going through or make us feel weird or different or whatever, so i think its great that you put this out there so we all can see that we are all fallen people and without Jesus we are lost. we are not the only ones who struggle… its helpful. <3
Thank you so much for posting this! It brought tears to my eyes, and what your mom said really hit home with me.
to everyone- i laughed and smiled reading that some of you go through this too! it is so good to know that a lot of us struggle with the same thing and hopefully we can all learn from each other and encourage one another! and yes, God is a must daily. i know it, but it is so hard to put into practice! i am so thankful that so many of you know and understand what i am going through. life is hard, it wasn't meant to be easy, but i guess that is what keeps it from being boring!
oh and thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!! xoxo, ruby
I have been in your shoes, it is such a demanding role being a mother and wife. It's the hardest. Once day I called my mom up and was crying saying the same thing you did to your mom, “it's hard, was it hard for you too?” “Oh, yes” she said, “I used to cry all the time”. What??!!! How come she never told me that before??? I soon found out my sister (she has 2 kids) cried all the time too!! So I think it's something most of us go through.
My husband bought me a t-shirt that reads “I'm kinda a big deal around here”. SO TRUE.
Thank you!
sometimes is just nice to let things out, blogs can be like a diary. it's ok though this is real life and real life is not always happy. The Lord is so good, he has shown me so much this week. one thing has been that my human mind and human heart will not comprehend everything but i have a big God that knows everything, who knit my very soul..and i can trust him in all.
I so needed to hear this! I think we moms all do try to take on everything…even if we cut down on outside activities, just maintaing our homes as moms and wives is SUCH hard work!!! One of my resolutions was to spend more time with God. Control is really just an illusion anyways, right? He is really the one in charge anyways…I'm glad you have good parents to give you good advice! What a blessing!
I know it's been sad a million times, but it's such a treat to read a blog about daily life that includes ALL of daily life, including the enormous struggles. It makes the blogworld feel more real, and more safe, and that is because of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Wow, I've missed your blog for the last few days and I'm so glad I scrolled back to read them.So well written. I think, well I know, I struggle with the exact same thing but I can never turn those feelings into words to properly describe it. Thankyou for reminding to bring God into my life more because it's true, when things start getting real crazy in my life it's always because I loose focus of God. Kids are demanding and moms never get a moment to regroup, there's always something that needs to be done. I love this post. I don't think moms share enough of this and makes us think we are alone when we clearly are not.
Hi Ruby, I don't comment often but I wanted to say thank you so much for this very honest post. Even though it must have been a hard thing to experience and write about, your honesty actually encourage me so much. Sometimes it's just refreshing to see how other people struggle and how important it is to get good alone-time and God-time in. Thanks. 🙂
This post truly hits home for me! My husband has chronic Asthma and even the tiniest thing can trigger it putting him out of commission for a few days! We have 3 boys under 5 at home, I work full time-as does he and I agree it IS exhausting, and it IS tiring. Keep your chin up girl! One day we'll look back on these days when we had little rugrats running around and laugh-or at least that's what people keep telling me! Thanks for being so true and putting this out this in the blogisphere, I know it can be tough!
I know this is a bit after you've posted, but you've referred to it in other posts. And I must say, this is incredibly encouraging. I'm a new wife, and a somewhat new believer, and I still find it hard to remember that God is so much greater. And when my husband and I fight, it's such a relief to just give it all to God and knowing that he will take care of it, and just having that between me and my husband relieves us of so much stress and pain. So encouraging! Thank you for sharing! It's really nice knowing that none of us are perfect, because I try to be an amazing wife myself, and I find myself failing time after time. But thanks for this! Makes me love my husband and our Lord so much more!
this is the cutest post ever. you are lucky to have that kind of relationship with your parents. got to have that alone time! hard to claim it…i always feel like it's stolen time!