This littlest one is so good. Actually, they were all pretty good as babies. Not overly fussy, easy to console, and all they loved to do was eat, sleep, and get loved on. God was quite gracious to me in that regard, seeing how close in age all of them are.
Glow has been sleeping most nights for two weeks now, but somehow I still wake up quite exhausted in the mornings. I have done the cry it out method with all the girls to get them to learn to sleep through the night, but this one probably doesn’t need it. In the mornings, I get her and put her in my bed to feed her, she does this happy giggle. It is the sweetest thing. This gal is such a giggler!
I know I am quite blessed to be able to mother these four girls, but I can’t say I am always happy pappy about it. Trust me, there are tons of hard moments. We were having dinner last night and I was telling Ben that I just feel angry. Not necessarily at anyone or anything in particular, but just angry and at times it manifests in being cranky towards the girls (or at each other). We continued to discuss that he feels that way too and sometimes the things that makes us happy are just zoning out online reading about the Spurs (for him) or online window shopping (for me). That’s quite terrible that those things give us peace and calm us down!
I think for me, so much stems from lack of believing God is better than all. I believe having this new dress will make me happier, or having a clean house will make me feel better, or if the girls just were obedient all the time it would be easier. I have been finding my joy in the wrong things. Christ is the only thing that can truly satisfy me and I want to want Him above all things. That is my prayer.
I am not a perfect mom. I don’t have everything together. My girls aren’t always perfectly dressed. Heck! Some days they don’t even brush their teeth. Some days they tell me I am terrible. I am a horrible listener and Ben gets frustrated with that. I yell. I cry. Sometimes, I don’t even know what to do. I get frustrated that I easily get frustrated. I try to control too much. I can never get caught up with laundry and I am always behind on emails. I love my children and husband, but I am also quite selfish. I was texting my struggles with someone from our church family and she reminded me this, Christ died so I don’t have to be perfect. That truth is something I don’t live out all the time, but I am so thankful for it!
This post didn’t mean to turn into a novel, but these are just some ruminations of my heart. If you think I have got it all together, you got it wrong. I am messier than you think (or that is shown in this space)! All I am or am able to do is because of God, so I need to live each day knowing and depending on that.