This week has felt a bit more peaceful. I think last week I was feeling really frantic and crazy, well, I feel crazy almost 99% of the time, but just unusually so and all the tension I had was coming out in anger and crankiness towards the girls. Then, this lady (oh. my. gosh. it’s crystal lewis!) and her daughter came over and they invited me to a special women’s study they were heading off to. I decided to go and am so glad I did. The message was exactly what I needed to hear.
I love being a mother. Before I had kids, I knew it wasn’t an easy job, but oh man, once your knee deep, it’s a really crazy ride and a whole other story. Just like a roller coaster, sometimes there are parts of that ride that are terrifying and you just want the ride to stop and get off, and other parts of that ride are so exhilarating that all you want to do is yell at the top of your lungs from excitement. Last week was one of those, “STOP THE RIDE, I NEED TO GET OFF!” kind of moments. And I think that’s normal and totally not wrong to feel that way.
I needed reminders of my role and how to take joy in it. I was so cranky, that on Friday, on our way to pick up some dinner, I didn’t even want to talk to Ben because even just talking was too stressful. I just wanted to zone out and be quiet or watch some exciting, live action movie (I’m totally a guy when it comes to movies.). Really though, I wanted to go on a mini vacation by myself. I thought about that as we drove, but then I felt kind of bad about leaving Ben if I actually did. It was just that kind of week when you feel horrible about everything you said and did and I wanted to just run away.
Running away never really solves problems and I wouldn’t have been running in the right direction if I did. This week I have been trying to run to God and I think that’s put my head back on straight. Well, kind of straight. It’s still kind of crooked, but I think that’s my fault. I am working on it though. This week my load has felt a twinge lighter and it’s been more “THIS RIDE’S CRAZY, BUT I LOVE IT!” kind of thing. I do really love being a mother, crazy parts and all.
Oh and to my surprise, Aunt Flo came on Sunday. No wonder I was crazy hormonal.