August 2, 2012

just herejust herejust herejust herejust hereThis week has felt a bit more peaceful. I think last week I was feeling really frantic and crazy, well, I feel crazy almost 99% of the time, but just unusually so and all the tension I had was coming out in anger and crankiness towards the girls. Then, this lady (oh. my. gosh. it’s crystal lewis!) and her daughter came over and they invited me to a special women’s study they were heading off to. I decided to go and am so glad I did. The message was exactly what I needed to hear.

I love being a mother. Before I had kids, I knew it wasn’t an easy job, but oh man, once your knee deep, it’s a really crazy ride and a whole other story. Just like a roller coaster, sometimes there are parts of that ride that are terrifying and you just want the ride to stop and get off, and other parts of that ride are so exhilarating that all you want to do is yell at the top of your lungs from excitement. Last week was one of those, “STOP THE RIDE, I NEED TO GET OFF!” kind of moments. And I think that’s normal and totally not wrong to feel that way.

I needed reminders of my role and how to take joy in it. I was so cranky, that on Friday, on our way to pick up some dinner, I didn’t even want to talk to Ben because even just talking was too stressful. I just wanted to zone out and be quiet or watch some exciting, live action movie (I’m totally a guy when it comes to movies.). Really though, I wanted to go on a mini vacation by myself. I thought about that as we drove, but then I felt kind of bad about leaving Ben if I actually did. It was just that kind of week when you feel horrible about everything you said and did and I wanted to just run away.

Running away never really solves problems and I wouldn’t have been running in the right direction if I did. This week I have been trying to run to God and I think that’s put my head back on straight. Well, kind of straight. It’s still kind of crooked, but I think that’s my fault. I am working on it though. This week my load has felt a twinge lighter and it’s been more “THIS RIDE’S CRAZY, BUT I LOVE IT!” kind of thing. I do really love being a mother, crazy parts and all.

Oh and to my surprise, Aunt Flo came on Sunday. No wonder I was crazy hormonal.

21 comments on “rollercoaster”

  • hey, i think i needed to hear this. just hearing it all put out there in words is oddly comforting. thanks for sharing and being honest. i totally get it.

  • karen says:

    crystal lewis? really? that’s awesome!..and yet.. so random! haha.. i remember her from ten years ago, and it’s nice to see/read her blog; great read πŸ™‚

  • Stephanie says:

    Yes, thank you for being open about your feelings. I have felt the same way as of late. It is encouraging to know other moms feel that way.nkinda like when you see another persons messy house! Thank you. Ps I loved your paint by number pillow

  • Stephanie says:

    Yes, thank you for being open about your feelings. I have felt the same way as of late. It is encouraging to know other moms feel that way.nkinda like when you see another persons messy house! Thank you. Ps I loved your paint by number pillow!

  • Amanda says:

    It is nice to hear other mothers feel that way sometimes. Being a mom is great, but sometimes we just need a break. Other times we need to be reminded that this really is the best job ever. My husband will usually watch the boys one night a week so I can have alone time. Even getting out for a couple of hours helps me refocus, and I feel more energized.

    Hope you have a better week!

  • Emmy A says:

    Thank you for this post. I have a 2 year old (like just turned 2) and a newborn and I’m falling apart this week. The lack of sleep thing has made me a wreck and I’ve taken it out on my son and my husband. Yesterday all I wanted to do was get a hotel room by myself and stay in bed all day with no noise or mess or responsibility. It’s good to know that it’s normal and ok and a season. I really appreciate your willingness to be transparent. It’s encouraging to this mama.

  • I’m feeling the same for about 2 weeks. So I understand. But for me it is not hormonal, so I thing God just want me to clean areas of my life to be able to enjoy the important one, like being a mother and wife ! Thank you for sharing !

    • rubyellen says:

      I totally agree with you. i think it was part hormonal for me, but there is so much that i lack because i fail to trust God daily. so more of me, less of God, and then add in the hormones… equals one terrible mama for my girls.

  • Anastasia says:

    I know how you feel! I don’t have kids yet, but I have crazy full time intense school. After 9.5 hours in clinic with patients and 25 min break I get home and don’t want to talk to my husband ta all. I just want to watch something relaxing and work on some project of mine for about an hour and go to sleep. Yesterday he kindof acused me of not taling to him and I gave him a long speach about it, but then I felt a guilty about it. Don’t we all wish we could be super wives/mothers/women!

  • francine says:

    i love how you said that your head’s on crooked πŸ™‚ i feel that way too. thank goodness for the Lord’s mercies! xoxo

  • Praise the Lord, when He sends moments of clarity. He is always so timely, isn’t He?

    As a mother, I have roller coaster moments and at the very moment I want to jump off, I try to imagine the air pushing their my hair and that feeling of exhilaration, instead. It helps…most of the time.

  • Sarah Joy says:

    Thank you for your sweet honesty Rubyellen!
    I enjoy your blog so much & I too have those moments, even with just one little right now.
    I am constantly convicted on how I rely on my own strength & patience, when really, on my own I have so little. Thanks for the encouragement and reminder of how we need God more & more, every day. πŸ™‚

  • manda says:

    I agree you can’t run away from your problems however it is okay to take a breather! Sometimes I just drive on back roads and blare up music. It helps my inner self! I come home and problems are still there but just for that 30 mins they are gone ! :]

    I never call mine aunt flo. My friend calls it shania and I call mine Tabby. Isn’t it interesting ! And yes it makes every woman go crazier!

  • Amalia K says:

    Hi Rubyellen. I’m so glad I followed you to your new space (which by the way looks fantastic!). Thank you so much for sharing about your emotional ride, I too have my ups and downs as a mommy to three, so I can totally relate! I hope you find more time in front of the TV watching action movies! oxx

  • Rosalind says:

    I had the exact same experience last week. I always kick myself for not knowing why I am feeling so out of my head stressed, frustrated etc.. I need to plan lots of mini quiet times out for me so I don’t feel like vacationing on my own!

  • Deirdre says:

    Aunt Flo will do it EVERYTIME, getting washed in hormones isn’t a picnic, but more like the rollercoaster ride after having a picnic, if you know what I mean! It is really helpful to read things like this, we are human, women and no matter how much we love our kids, what we do for them and how connected we feel to God, when it’s that time of the month (ladies holiday) things go topsy-turvy.
    Thanks for your honesty.
    Cheers and here’s to a better week!

  • Rachel says:

    I think mothers of our generation are starting to speak out and be brutally honest about just how difficult motherhood is, and I think this might be the single most important contribution we make to future generations of mothers. Thank you for your honesty. Your girls are lucky to have you, in ALL your iterations. πŸ™‚

  • Sara says:

    God bless you Ruby. Its so comforting to hear that motherhood is not a walk in the park and that with God all things are possible. As a new mom, my son will be 1 1/2 years old, I keep thinking I’m doing something wrong when I feel guilty, frustrated or tired and it’s through God and my family that I find my strength. Thanks for being honest as always online; it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one out there asking God for strength and help in raising the most precious gift he has given me, my son.

  • Beautiful post which to me is an honest, sincere and deep tribute to motherhood. It’s also great to hear that such feelings are universal for mothers and are normal part of this amazing, complex experience – being a mommy.

  • Cameryn says:

    I simply LOVE your tablecloth!! Haha, I noticed it in a lot of posts and thought it was the greatest thing!
    I also love your blog!! πŸ™‚

  • Melissa says:

    Hi Rubyellen, I just wnated to tell you that i am so inspired by how you guys are raising your girlies! And i really feel so encouraged by your love for Jesus and your seeking his will for your family, i understand where you are at,(and i only have 2 girls and a hubby!) sometimes its crazy and sometimes it is just hormones Keep trusting in the Lord and he will see you through anything. Thanks again for putting yourself out there you are a blessing and a light!

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