Let’s me start off by saying, I love my children. I really do. And I know I’m not the first stay-home-mom of four in the whole entire world, but sometimes, this job is hard and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m pretty sure that’s what most people feel about their job at times, even jobs they love! I know Ben loves his job, but he has some complaints from time to time, so I’m guessing it’s normal. But when you feel that way about your kids, it just feels extra wrong. Doesn’t it?
There was one day last week, it was a couple days before Aunt Flo (my period) was arriving and I was just itching because everything was a mess, especially their room. I left Ben and the girls downstairs to go upstairs and clean it, for the millionth time that week, and I was no joke dropping f-bombs as I was doing so. Oh the rage I was feeling in my sinful heart! I totally could feel me fighting it internally, but the anger was winning. I let it because it felt good. At the same time, I hated it. I knew something was seriously wrong with my heart.
This is a job I have chosen. Wanted to do for, like, ever, and here I was complaining about it, and throwing things about the room and swearing like crazy. If you had seen me, you would have run away as fast as you could. I was plain crazy.
I’m no perfect mama. On the contrary, I’m one terrible sinner saved by God’s grace and I so don’t deserve it. That moment clearly reminded me how much I couldn’t do things on my own. Since I couldn’t, there’s only one place I knew I was going to get the guidance I needed, so I turned to reminding myself truths from God’s word. Now, that didn’t mean I am now by some magical power a perfect mama and have this job down pat, but it’s important to equip myself to battle the crazy feelings when they come up. Also, it involves sharing my struggles with another sister from our church family and asking her to pray for me. I’m honestly embarrassed to admit my behavior, but I’m the weird person who likes to talk about the not so pretty things of life too. Blogs are deceptive and can make people feel inadequate based on all the pretty pictures being shared (I feel this way reading some blogs sometimes), but really, they might be dropping f-bombs while cleaning their kids rooms too.
I’m sure my feelings are understandable, but not excusable. I try reminding myself of the sermon we heard last Sunday… that God has given everything I need to fight this frustration and find joy in Him. Sometimes, I am just too lazy to do so. I don’t want to be a f-bomb dropping mama. I want to serve my children with gladness and clean their room with love. I get these great moments of “I love my job! I love this moment!” and sometimes, “Ugh. I wanna go back to teaching someone else’s kids.” I really need to spend more time praying, reading God’s word, and filling my heart with things to help me win when these battles come up. My pastor sent us this article to read, Joanna shared this one on facebook, and I listened to this sermon this week to really help rebuke my heart.
I needed the reminder that I’m here to serve my children for God. I think I’ve forgotten that and have just been really selfish about it. Being self-centered is not going to rear my children to how I want them to grow and it will just make me more frustrated. Actually, if I’m being selfish, I will raise more selfish adults and well, that just wouldn’t be good for anyone. I want to love my children and serve them well unto the Lord and that means fighting through my selfishness to be selfless. Selflessness and being a happy hearted servant are definitely things I need to work on. God has entrusted these kids to me and I need to take care of them, their messes, and especially their hearts. Oh and I need a chill pill. A few actually. I must have ran out of my supply. Anyone know where I can get a refill?
p.s. these pictures were not taken on f-bomb dropping day, but probably a day or so later, after they had made another mess after i cleaned it. oh and they taped little mermaid coloring pages all over their room because they said they wanted a little mermaid room. oye!