i don’t always smile big

May 29, 2015


life with this manSometimes my face expresses contempt, and I’m not talking about this not smiling type, but the “I’m-so-frustrated-and-mad-at-everybody” type. Two days this week I expressed that same contemptuousness; rather, my heart held onto it. There was a lot of not listening, disobedience, and broken things by the girls, which isn’t unusual considering they’re kids, but all of that put my heart in the wrong place. Actually, now that I’m looking back upon it, my heart was in the wrong place to begin with and it’s not their fault at all. My heart loves material things and having obedient children too much, and when those things are shattered, my heart crumbles. That’s because my hope isn’t meant to be put in those things and those things aren’t meant to last. I know earthly goods really are just a bunch of crap, I know I can’t take them with me when I die, but in that moment, I treasured it (more like hoarded it) in my heart. And kids, well, they don’t listen all the time, just like I don’t, and I’m constantly battling and praying for more patience. I even read this verse earlier this week… Proverbs 16:22 “Patience is better than power, and controlling one’s temper, than capturing a city.”

Thankfully, my story doesn’t stop there. I didn’t stay in my state of selfishness forever. Repentance happened, forgiveness happened, and I’m not defined by what I’ve done (or failed at doing, I even yelled “I suck at being a mom.”) because Jesus is my righteousness. Yeah, I’m a total screw up, but that’s why I know I need Jesus. He lived the life I should have lived, and died the death I deserved, and while I still screw up a lot (and will continue to), He covers all my screw ups with his blood. This probably sounds like the #storyofmylife over here, but it really is. My heart still wrestles with understanding grace and the cross, but each day, even through the screw-ups, God is giving me a clearer picture of what living a life of grace looks like… it’s never about me, it’s always about Jesus. When it becomes about me, that’s when trouble always starts, so I’m praying that my heart keeps battling to make it about Jesus. #endheartrant

13 comments on “i don’t always smile big”

  • Cara Yeh says:

    I always love your precious heart for God. (And your style, gardening tips, and projects, of course!) I’ve been reading your blog forever and almost never comment, because I would probably comment on every single post, “I love this! I understand!” Thanks for being you.

  • Constance says:

    Said so well. I resonate this morning with your words and how my own choices tip the scales. I this. ‘Repentance happened, forgiveness happened, and I’m not defined by what I’ve done because Jesus is my righteousness.” Amen! I’m so thankful.

  • Kristen says:

    Thank you for your honesty and encouragement! I love all your posts about your heart!

  • Rozen says:

    “… It’s never about me, it’s always about Jesus.” I love this! I needed to read this today and to always remember this. Often times I get caught up in the emotion of things and I need to focus my heart and eyes on Him. Thank you for posting this! I love your blog for your honesty, crafts, but most of all your heart for Jesus! Thank you!

    • Rubyellen says:

      My heart is always getting caught up into the emotion of things, and our feelings really are so deceitful! Grace… I’m thankful it’s abounding and covers all my messiness.

  • Cait says:

    This is how I’ve felt this whole week. I realize that I feel entitled to everything, and when the tiniest thing goes wrong or my children are disobedient or disrespectful, it all falls apart. I don’t deserve anything, and need to look to Jesus.

    • Rubyellen says:

      It’s the story of my life… my self-centered heart is thankful that I am given the righteousness of Jesus! Only by His grace…

  • Martha says:

    Hallelujah for our amazing Jesus who covers all the stuff ups we mummys constantly make. Praise to Him! Thanks for preaching the gospel right here

  • julia says:

    Love reading your thoughts. So much I can relate to.
    I am wondering how you approach bible reading when you struggle with particular topics. I have such a desire to hear God’s word spoken into my life in those difficult moments but often find myself sitting in front of my bible not knowing where to search for His voice.
    Is there anything that you can recommend?
    And are there any books on Christianity or devotionals did you find helpful throughout your spiritual journey?
    Thanks 🙂

    • julia says:

      … and journey through marriage and motherhood? 😉

    • Rubyellen says:

      A Praying Life is a really good book. As well as Saturate by Jeff Vandersteldt. Treasuring Grace is another, but I can’t rememeber the author right now.

      For my Bible reading, I’ve been following a read the Bible in a year plan, but it’s taking me two years to get through it.

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