totally beat by myself

September 4, 2015

This week I was all out of sorts. After a pretty good first week of school, this second week totally defeated me. My patience, my energy, and my heart just all kind of grew weary. It is such a vicious cycle to try and do life all on my own, thinking everything I do is good enough, and that I’m strong enough to conquer everything on my to-do list (plus more!). I am so foolish, so easily blinded. Totally weak. While I know grace runs deep and wide, it was really shallow in my heart this week. My heart was broken and calloused all at once. Frustrated with how quick I am to anger, slow in patience, and unwilling to give grace.

Then, there are those small glimpses of grace that happen throughout the day that remind me I need Jesus. Really though, it should be a full view of grace instead of small glimpses, but that shows how deprived my heart has been. After all my fails this week, and after I woke up from my self-consumed senses to see the beauty of grace, I could see why my heart was failing. My heart ran out of gas because I didn’t fill it. When summer vacation started, I also went on a vacation from filling my heart with His Word. Grace runs dry quickly if I’m not putting myself under the waterfall of grace. It’s futile thinking, I’ve got this all on my own. I don’t. Midweek, I made a few adjustments to my schedule to make sure I’m making time to get gas. I need to get under that waterfall, not because it’s my action that gains me favor or makes things go my way, but it’s in savoring the cross that my heart and lips will be overflowing with joy, even when those frustrating times come. While I am totally beat because of myself, I have victory because of the cross. I forget that.


6 comments on “totally beat by myself”

  • christina says:

    its so comforting to know i am not alone. i feel like i am always telling my daughter sorry as we lay down to sleep and pray. she has the most loving heart and always says “i forgive you”. so how much more does God forgive you and I? just remember we are human. and yes its okay to feel like that but also God knows our hearts and he is the ultimiate forgiver. he loves you ruby. the good and bad parts, lol (as well as me). youre a great mother especially when youre able to catch yourself, repent and try to do better (and not stay in that bitter place). thats you and me! once in a while remind yourself of that “i am a darn good mother!” xoxo

    • Rubyellen says:

      Only by the grace of God, but yes, I definitely should encourage myself with that too.

  • jadell says:

    What a great reminder. Thank you

  • Praying for you sweet mama! x Thank you for this great reminder. I love the waterfall analogy!

  • I think we’ve all been there, esp. this time of year. Thank you for the wise words!

    Analog House

  • Rosalie says:

    Yes! This post resonates so much with me. Love reading this reminder!

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